i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
