Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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