Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
