I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You ate ashes out of my bong
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
