i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
