He disabled his match.com account in front of me
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
