she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We are two peas in an std pod
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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