i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
