i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I will pee on everything he values.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize