You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
