I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
