you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
