Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
