Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
