But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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