Umm I'm too high to move.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
