He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
