I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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