my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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