I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
