I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
