Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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