can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
