apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
