Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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