love makes seman taste better
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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