so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
