I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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