You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
