don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
