Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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