I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
