um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
