Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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