she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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