non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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