listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
