my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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