They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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