I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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