well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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