every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
