i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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