I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
