she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have so many feelings about this burrito
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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