by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
