the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
