I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
