When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
