My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
