I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
