She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
