also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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