Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
